Well, I'm a human male with access to the internet.
There is something inside of me that most people won’t ever get a chance to see. It is something incredibly dark and thus I keep it hidden. There’s a side to me that I can’t control. A state in which I keep my body but lose my mind. Arms, legs, hands, feet, mouth, eyes. They’re all given up to this thing inside of me. My Dark Passenger. I don’t know what triggers it, what sustains it, or what calms it. I’ve learned to live with this… thing… inside of me. I go day-by-day only hoping I won’t succumb to its influence. Sometimes, though, it takes control. Hijacking my brain, it tells me what to do. When I’m under its influence, I want so badly to hurt those around me. Not physically. It makes me want to say things that will bring other people down. It makes me into a bad person.
I don’t know who I’m becoming. I’ve lost my identity. I live in the shell of remembrance of the person I used to be. I may act very similar, but it’s just not me anymore. I smile and laugh along to words that I barely hear. I drown out the world with my headphones. My headphones have become my sanctuary. Click on, slide to unlock, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. Sorry, what did you say?
It’s amazing what can happen in a week’s time. It’s amazing how you can feel so differently toward someone after seven days. I need to get this off of my chest, out of my head, and into words.
I’ve never been someone who can express my feelings quite so easily as I’d like to be able to do. I have the words in my head, it’s just that I can’t vocalize them. So, I’ll have to do with this. I’ve never met someone who is as special as you. I’ve never met someone whose personality compliments mine so well. I am inclined to say that I love you. In the purest and simplest (then again… complex) way, I love you. What makes me smile so much is that this feeling is so uncannily real. I can love you without reinforcement or feedback. I don’t need those things. You simply being… yourself is enough. Your pain hurts me. Your happiness brings me ecstasy. When someone else’s smile is enough to penetrate every facet of my life… I stop to take notice.
Finally, Christmas. Oh, Christmas.
Where did you go?
This year, this recession, this mood… it all sets the scene for a lackluster experience. My own inner state of constant indifference also attributes to the loss of the “Christmas Spirit”. This year is different. I’m paying for more than half of my own present. I can’t afford to buy my friends gifts because of that. I can barely find the money to buy my parents and brother gifts too.
I don’t want Christmas to come. No, no, no kiddies, Mayyyyyybe next year. Call me a Scrooge, but even the Ghosts of Christmas can’t change this for me. Give me my present, let me sleep, and wake me up when I have to get ready for school again. Bah..
